Life's going on

Friday, March 30, 2007

Competency at work

Emotional strike at work today! This morning was just so busy...there were lots of cases and bosses actually did come early..... but dunno whether the cases were real difficult or the bosses were just turtle slow, the flow just got stuck. Further more, the head boss pop down to say he gotta leave early thus schedule then suddenly changed, the meeting had then to be held earlier.

I am now a modulator in the section, I was supposed to be organizing the flow and making sure every cases and meeting was being dealt with properly. However when all the above happened , I was following cases with one of the bosses....my difficulty was: how come I was the one to follow cases but not staying in the section to keep an eye on the flow? In fact there were other colleagues but they all seemed to have their business to deal with and I just couldn't find excuses to request their help. The outcome was that I had no clue when the head came down and ordered to have the meeting earlier, the meeting was then held by another colleague for me, I was stuck following cases with one boss and when I finished everything was done and I gotta took over to follow up (執手尾)which in fact I didn't know what have been talked about and what things were required to be follow up....

Also adding with yesterday's "combo" mistakes that I carelessly let go the client before things were done, poor time management and lack of confidence to chase up the boss to finish the case which led to the complaint of the client, and the unforgivable messy filing that made a boss discover toady and I have no excuses but apologize.........all these just heavily strike me down and I serious query my competency to take up this important post. suck!!

The tight schedule today made me totally collapsed by the time of lunch, I just ran into the toilet to cry as a relief...a colleague noticed and comfort me, however, I still think that I am not good enough for being a modulator, with me, everything seems just get into a mess.

I have a strong feeling of 不能也，非不為也．I actually knows what I should do and when I did it, things just turn out with problems, then I blamed myself a lot. This just becomes a cycle but I got no improvement at all. When I got my brain ready to deal with one thing, I just can't spare more to handle others. When I got myself ready to cope with one thing, another new trouble arise. I actually do tried hard to keep things going properly but there's just too much that I couldn't achieved. Then it's just like everyday I am keep disappointing myself and others. I do wanna be smart, 我都想做好呢份工, 但我太唔識變通，轉數太慢，太蛇ｇｗｅｒ，I very much query my manager's decision of letting me taking up this post. I dun wanna give up and I really dun wanna disappoint her....what can I do? To say it more precise, with my limited ability, how can I do better? What the xxxx! I hate myself in my working performance!

Labels: depress, disappointment, work